July 11 (cont.) Illusions of Indifference    • No matter how physically fit you are or may think you are, Las Vegas is one of those cities where you need to take a mid-day break. I've already documented, and will continue to document, just how hot it is. And it's not humid, as everyone from out West will tell you ... that does help. But the fact that there's at least a 15-degree difference between the sun and the shade is something I'm not used to. That plus the winds makes it all into something entirely unique, the kind of thing that makes me marvel that any of the 1.5 million residents can stand to stay there for any of the summer months.    The breeze is not something relaxing in Las Vegas. The breeze is what happens when you a weak fan in a room that already too hot -- it blows the hot air around and makes things that much worse. The only way the breeze is at all relaxing in Las Vegas is if it pushes you past levels of being hot and into those synonymous with heatstroke. Then you start getting chills and everything's fine.    If the oppressive heat of Vegas in July is an oven, then with the wind it's a convection oven. Close your eyes, and you can almost feel yourself getting succulent and moist. Mmmm.    With both Chris and Shawn going to see Dennis Miller over the week, the idea to see a big show had been planted in our heads. Since I don't really remember the thought process that went into what we chose, let's just say we saw Lance Burton and move on. Monte Carlo Money Lost on Premises: None    The ads and persona tend to put Monte Carlo on par with Vegas's two current ritziest hotels, Bellagio and the Venetian. But in reality it's really a step below -- there's a top hat on the door, but it's entirely unimpressive behind the glass. It struck me as rather high class, but not really being utilized by the high class. In other words, it's the kind of place people would go who think they're rich or who really want to be rich -- my family being high on that list.    Lance Burton's theater is right off the casino, and features another common Vegas theme -- the person who takes your picture in front of a blue screen, then tries to sell you a picture of you superimposed over something far more impressive. That would be the lowlight of the performance however, as Burton put on a show worth every penny of what we spent for it.    You get the feeling that, at least for the first half of the show, Burton is kinda just going through the motions. Just doing the same tricks he's done twice nightly for who-knows how long. But that's the thing ... as an illusionist, that makes for a far more impressive presentation. He clearly looks like he's half-assing his act, but he's doing thing that make absolutely no sense.    By the way, there is no point in trying to figure out how Burton does his tricks. You'll never figure it out, so save yourself the headache. He's just that practiced.    Without getting too much into the details of the act, the second half of it features a lot more of the mammoth illusions that have gotten Burton on TV and made him a household name. He breaks the show up with a guest performer -- in our case, it was "master in the art of clowning" Michael Goudeau, who at one point juggled a chain saw, flaming pin and a bowling ball. And Burton makes it a point to involved kids in his performance, pulling several onstage so he can do the kind of magic tricks with them that got him interested in the art in the first place.    The fact that he consistently fires jabs at Siegfried and Roy, Celine and Wayne Newton? Well that's just icing.    The only knock I can levy is the free commemorative program you can get with your ticket is the worst copy editing job I think I've ever seen. This coming from someone who can't copy edit ... I was finding errors without even trying. Still, a Grade A show all around.    And the neon, video-screened CVS out in front of the Monte Carlo? The classiest I've ever seen. -- You haven't learned about Tucks pads until you've watched them work on a marquee. Boardwalk Money Lost on Premises: I wouldn't let my money go here.    Boardwalk is the cheap resort stuck between the semi-ritzy Monte Carlo and the super-ritzy Bellagio. It looks like, surprisingly enough, the Atlantic City Boardwalk. It is not a surprise to me that the picture of it on their Web site features a large screen reading, "Rooms Available."    While I didn't go inside, and thus don't really want to condemn the place site unseen, I will say that any casino that has people stationed at its doorways just asking people to come inside is clearly not doing very well. Aladdin       Money Lost on Premises: None    To those who know Vegas, the Aladdin is best known for being cursed. It has gone bankrupt at least twice, and I'm pretty sure it's bankrupt while I write this. It's hard to say exactly why this is, but it could have something to do with having an entire indoor shopping mall full of stores that nobody actually shops in.    As Charlie put it, the interior of the Aladdin, which was supposed to be selling a whole Arabian vibe, seems eerily reminiscent of the Hampshire Mall near UMass, which does the whole fake "outdoor" shopping thing but without the ever-present fake sky.    While I'm not sure it was that bad, I did watch the fake indoor 'Rain Storm,' say that I would only be impressed if it actually rained on me, had it actually rain on me, and yet remained unimpressed.    Paris Money Lost on Premises: None    The selling point of the city of Paris is its wondrous exterior. That it is the City of Lights, to be enjoyed walking the Rues while eating baguettes and doing other things I hopefully will be able to do there one day. The people who built the casino Paris realized this, and thus gave the entire building the fake sky that most places reserve for their malls. They went so far as to have a support leg of the mini Eiffel Tower they've got on site protruding through the casino ceiling and into the gambling area.    So here you are in a large room, with a ceiling above you that you know is fake, but gives the illusion that it's real and extends upwards forever. I suppose it could have worked for some people ... to me, it just felt like I was in an episode of The Truman Show.    Admittedly, I was probably a little biased against Paris when I got here, as I hadn't eaten since the early lunch and was beginning to digest myself whole for food value. We eventually found a little boulangerie via the confusing roadway-like signs and maps, whereupon I ate something in true French style -- eagerly at first, but surrendering before I could finish.    After eating, Charlie noted the irony of the "French" speaking employees, who compulsively say "Bonjour!" to start any conversation, but then broke into Spanish to talk to the people they were conversing with. The only way it could have been better was if one of them had been wearing the "F The French!" shirt I saw on a French-looking guy at Fenway Park in April.    We also saw the Bellagio fountain show tonight, but more on that later. This was the night that Charlie, who'd promised to gamble with me all day, got back to MGM and climbed in bed to watch Leno. As angered as I was, the exchange was at least amusing. "We're in 'The City of Entertainment,' right across the street from the 'City That Never Sleeps!'" "I don't give a shit what they do on the other side of the street. We sleep on this side of the street." Next ... The Tropicana TRASH Fiesta Begins [ Hit. ] [ July 10 ] [ July 11 ] [+] [ July 12 ] [ July 13 ] [+] [ July 14 ] [ Etc. ] Intro! THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY MONDAY EXTRAS

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