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  -- Before I decided I hated myself, my life, the city, the heat, the desert, Charlie and a few other things. July 11, 2003 - The South Strip, Lance Burton and the MGM Information Channel Illusions of Indifference  -- CD4 Panorama Money Lost on Premises: Less than $20 With 5,005 rooms, this is the largest hotel in Vegas and quite possibly the entire known universe. The fact that it took Charlie several days just to get the whole place in frame for a picture says about all that needs to be said. You can see the MGM Grand from anywhere on the Strip, which you'd think would be an advantage if you were bombed and trying to find your way home, but could just as easily work against you by creating the illusion you could quickly walk there. Plus the elevators aren't really located near any entrances, and they dump out on each floor into what's essentially another lobby with four identical hallways shooting off of it. I was sober, yet still kept getting lost. We were barely able to even scratch the surface of what there is to do at MGM. For example, the pools are supposedly very nice.  -- But we never swam in them. Same goes with their Studio 54, which I would have liked to go into but about which Charlie was being a tool. We actually had an argument about visiting clubs and drunkenness being somewhat enjoyable, but I gave up when I realized as my stupid crusade is to not watch the Star Wars films, Charlie's is to piss everyone off around him by not getting drunk. There is plenty we did see at MGM though ... The Shops: As would become a recurring theme, the mall was filled with shops that most of us would never shop in because of cost or usefulness concerns. It wasn't as bad as, say, Aladdin, but I really just don't have a pressing need for a $300 throwback jersey for the Spirits of St. Louis. Even as nice as it is. MGM does have some long-distance tie to CBS/Viacom however, which led to CBS Television City, a research center where you can watch show pilots for free and offer up feedback to execs. A very cool concept, and something I really wish we'd had more time to do. Lion Habitat: The MGM has a glass enclosure in which two lions can go for six-hour stretches during the day. Of course, it's also an enclosure where two lions can go and sleep for six-hour stretches during the day. You guess which one was more common every time we passed in that vicinity. The Arcade: Sucks. Don't bother. The Room: It was probably a little much for what we needed it for, but there were no complaints to be had. Beds were soft, pillows were good, view was excellent, even if the windows were a little dirty. I went to bed each night staring out toward the Monte Carlo and New York, New York ... and there's never anything wrong with that. Plus the room featured The TV, a little window into the inner workings of the real Las Vegas.
To sum up, both of us were very happy with MGM as somewhere to stay. I don't really think you can go wrong with the large resorts in Vegas, and I could see some people complaining that MGM and its casino were just way too big, but if things being too big are a big deal to you, you're going to hate Las Vegas anyway. I tried to be as systematic as possible when attacking what we'd visit, knowing full well we wouldn't get to everything. The easiest way to write this is probably the same thing, since between all the resorts on the South Strip is the same thing: hot. This was the day that, during our afternoon break, we went back to the room to find the KLAS lead story was: Heat Wave in Nevada!
 Money Lost on Premises: None Mandalay is rare for Vegas casinos, in that it actually looks better during the day than at night. I'm unsure whether or not it smells any better, since the entire interior of the resort is pumped with an odd tropical smell that I guess is supposed to make you feel like you're in a desert oasis full of expendable income. This is the first place either of us actually gambled -- Charlie took the plunge, dropping 55 cents in a newfangled video screen multigame machine, which he then cursed with "God-damned shiny machines. It's evil!" This was after we'd walked the length of Mandalay's indoor mall, which featured both Aureole (with the "wine angels" so loved by the Travel Channel) and a man sitting on a rock who had to weigh 400 pounds, and after Charlie has almost run off into the CA World convention, where he could have frolicked and talked computers for hour after blissful hour. Mandalay is well-known for its pool. Since we did not go outside there, I can only rate their casino, which was very yellow.  -- I look stiff because the fake rock is burning my ass and arm. Money Lost on Premises: None The part of Luxor everybody knows is the big black pyramid, which sits immediately behind this Sphinx. Walking into the building, it's easily one of the best visuals in all of Vegas, with the hotel rooms just reaching up to the sky around you and the casino and entertainment area forming a little city at the base. No casino other than NYNY seems to hold to its theme better, as everything here has an Egyptian tinge ... if Egypt was perennially a little too dark. Right down to talking camels, which did more to scare little children than Excalibur could ever neutralize.  The King Tut exhibit they have here is actually reasonably entertaining and informative, with a mockup made of the entire burial chamber and an audio tour to go with. It was much more entertaining than watching the video crew taping a couple at a practice blackjack table, undoubtedly for one of the cheesy dating shows that now dot syndication and cable.
  Money Lost on Premises: None When Vegas was billing itself as a family-friendly destination, they clearly were pimping Excalibur near the top of places to go, even if it does seek to fill the Vegas show niche of shirtless Australian men. Made up like a medieval castle, they also hold well to their theme throughout the property. This is not a good thing. When you look up "campy" in the dictionary, those orange and blue towers have to be listed in there somewhere. The outside is very pretty at night, but the little Merlin painted in a window surrounded by neon lightning bolts just begs for the politically incorrect usage of the word "gay." And oh yes, for whatever reason, the entire casino smells like cake. As much as you like cake, I assure you that you don't like it this much.  -- CD4 photo. Money Lost on Premises: None Right across the street from MGM and the first place we passed by on Saturday, the Trop won the award for "First Resort To Offer Us Free Tickets To Topless Shows," as a nice man in a straw hat first asked us where we were from, and if we were by ourselves. We really should have seen where he was going with the questions, but no one ever accused us of being very bright. The Tropicana has the disadvantage of being very old, but it doesn't help that the first thing you see and hear upon entering are two women on barker microphones shouting for people to play the awful-odds Big 6 Wheel. Of course the old cred helps when the casino is the home of the Casino Legends Hall of Fame, a very cool little museum with all sorts of little trinkets from resorts past and present. The fact that they're giving away free tickets to the place everywhere is just a bonus. As the name suggests, it's very tropical. Course in the Vegas heat, anything tropical would die, so really it's like walking through a giant paradox.  Money Lost on Premises: Most Of It In a word, awesome. I suppose it could have just been the bias of it having the ESPNZone, it being across the street and having the most impressive outdoor visual of any casino, day or night. But New York New York just hits it, playing off how diverse a city Gotham is and throwing a little bit of everything into one complex. The high-limit area of the casino plays off Central Park, there's neon ads on the walls, the restaurant area is modeled like city streets (down to manhole covers and parking meters) ... it was enough to make me forgive that some of their dealers wore Yankees jerseys. In my mind, we also had our best meal of the trip at Gonzalez y Gonzalez. A pair of shrimp tacos that would have made me ill size-wise had I tried to finish them, plus plenty of chips and salsa. I've got no problem leaving a gawdy tip after a meal like that.
That was it for the daytime. Click here for how we spent the evening. | |||||||||||||||||||||
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