September 30, 2003 - The Cusp Without Cust Latest *** Curse Rumor: The Curse of the New York Times, which apparently stems from the NYT writing "Boston is the luckiest baseball spot on earth, for it has never lost a world's series" after the Sox 1918 title.
So ***.
The Rundown: As Charlie deemed it, "Awesome, yet awful." If you drop your expectations upon entering the theater -- and given it's a theatrical-release action movie, why wouldn't you -- you're in for a great time, as the film is excellent for what it's shooting for.
Perhaps the most amazing part of the whole film, outside of my noticing it uses actual XFL footage without even a hint of irony? That Christopher Walken really can't turn it off. I'd imagine he just walks down the streets, stops, then goes through these slow talking diatribes while everyone around him runs away in fear while laughing hysterically.
"I feel like a child who has put a tooth under his pillow for the Tooth Fairy, but burglars have come in in the night, and taken my tooth. They have taken my tooth. Wait. Do you people even understand the concept of the Tooth Fairy?"
And now, the second column from Monday's "actual work day":
Buckle Up, It's Going To Get Bumpy -- Apparently, it's columns like these that have made America hate Red Sox fans. Therefore, I say "Cram it, rest of America. It's not our fault your teams are boring and have no storyline."
• You can tell we've officially reached playoff time because reading Barry Zito Forever now actually makes me angry enough to mention it. I've kind of missed the higher level of
A few points:
1) We're real sorry the Red Sox have become the fashionable pick in the American League as of late. If it's any consolation, most of us have been picking them since June, because we're all either horrific homers or just doing it to make the fans not hate us. I, obviously, fall in the first camp.
2) Regarding Sean McAdam's piece about a Red Sox - Cubs World Series making someone "want to puke," apparently the fact that he's right is of no consequence. That matchup would make for the highest-rated World Series of the past decade, and anyone who doesn't think so is wrong. Period.
3) I apologize for anyone thinking Sox fans are obnoxious. I won't deny it ... we probably are. But it keeps us smiling, and anything that does that when we've almost won a World Series for the better part of 90 years is fine by me.
To limit the amount of sports talk, Game 1 is the hinge on which the whole thing rests. If the Sox win Wednesday night, they will win the series in (at worst) four games. If the Sox lose, all of Red Sox Nation (myself included) will go into a full-fledged state of panic.
If you thought we were irrational and obnoxious before, wait until we're staring an 0-1 deficit in the face with Tim "I either give up 1 run over 7 innings or 7 runs over 3 innings" Wakefield poised to start two of the next three games.
Look at it this way. The further the Red Sox advance into the playoffs, the quieter the team's fan base will get. We'll all be so paralyzed by fear of saying something to jinx them, an actual World Series trip would likely be accompanied by complete silence. Hell, if we were to win it, we'd never have anything to say again.
So, as Craig once phrased it to me, "For the love of all that's holy, Go Sox."
And now, for today's actual non-sports news, or what I like to call "Something That Really Should Have Never Seemed A Good Idea."
DALLAS -- A high school band director has apologized for a halftime performance that included "Deutschland Uber Alles," the anthem closely associated with Adolf Hitler, and a student running across the field with a Nazi flag.
Do I even really have to go on?
Mark Briskman, regional director for the Anti-Defamation League, said his organization received many calls and e-mails expressing shock "that in 2003, this type of insensitivity would occur. This can serve as an educational tool that there are certain tools and certain symbols that still carry ... an amount of hurt. It was a mistake, and they've apologized for it, and we basically accept their apology."
Apparently so.
I'm sorry. Ignoring the fact that you're from Texas, perhaps the least sensitive state in the Union, the man sent a child running across a football field with a Nazi flag.
Maybe if it was one of those states that still flew the Confederate flag at the State House, but still, come on. A Nazi flag? Why didn't you just have them throw their arms up with the beat?
A Nazi flag! In Texas!
Seriously. September 29, 2003 - A Spaceship In Soldier Field Football Picks: At the risk of creating doubters, I'll just tell you I went 9-4-1 against the spread and 9-5 straight-up with my NFL picks this week. Spread proof is here, and given I'm admitting I picked the Bears to beat the Packers, my word is good as gold on the rest.
Week Three Spread: 9-5 Week Four Spread: 9-4-1 Overall: 32-25-3
Week Three Straight: 11-3 Week Four Straight: 9-5 Overall: 40-20
I do ask if you use my picks and make actual money, tell me. I don't want a cut or anything, I'd just like to know I'm helping people. Makes me smile.
• This new schedule, however, does not. For those not interested in spawning another window, here's the point.
ALDS: Twins at Yankees -- Starts Tuesday @ 1 p.m. EST NLDS: Marlins at Giants -- Starts Tuesday @ 4 p.m. EST NLDS: Cubs at Braves -- Starts Tuesday @ 8 p.m. EST
ALDS: Red Sox at A's -- Starts Wednesday @ 10 p.m. EST
In the original schedule, the Marlins-Giants were (I believe) a 7 p.m. start on Wednesday. This gave an obvious reason for putting the Sox-A's at 10 ... you're giving one game to the West Coast fans, allowing them a start in their actual prime time. Now, however, by moving the Giants to Tuesday, there's no reason not to move Sox-A's up to 8.
West Coast fans or not, when you have all the other three series starting on Tuesday, the least you can do is accomodate the fans of the teams that are losing an off day.
That's what is perhaps the oddest about this new schedule. It's one thing to make the road harder for the Wild Card teams -- Boston and Florida -- by giving them just one off day in their series. But the Cubs-Braves battle of division winners also has just one off day. The only teams that get two?
The Twins and the Yankees.
Thanks in advance for the weeks, and possibly whole offseason, worth of talk radio caller ammo, you dickweeds.
I'd like to think there's a rational reasoning for this, and I kind of see one. If MLB wants to give one prime-time game to the West Coast, they know they can pull more Boston fans to a 10 p.m. EST start than they will Florida fans. It's still weak, however, and it's not as though any perceived biases are going to be let go by a fan base that is convinced the world is out to get us.
That's perhaps one of the oddest storylines every time the Red Sox make the postseason. If they actually do win it all, once the euphoria dies down, the entire mindset of New Englanders is going to have to change. We're built our entire lives around being failures and sucking, around suffering -- see "Winter, Five Months Of." The Celtics are the most successful franchise in the history of the NBA, and they've been relegated to No. 3 by teams with a combined one championship between them.
Have no doubt that if the Red Sox get it done, and I genuinely think they have the team to, it will be the celebration to end all celebrations anywhere (except the North Side of Chicago). But I'll enjoy the next season almost as much as I enjoyed this one.
And now, on to (part of the reason) I sat at a computer today from 11 to 5.
Don't Count The Twins Out Yet -- The day's first piece. Analyzing why the Twins actually do have a shot to beat the Yankees, and hitting all the major points I wanted to make. After my study, I am now officially pleading with the Yankees to win this series. Minnesota is an AWFUL matchup for Boston in nearly every way.
U.S., Norway Quarterfinal Would Be A Fitting Final -- The day's third piece. I'm a bit perturbed the S-T Web site has buried this well below an AP story on the same topic that uses most of the same quotes I do. It may be nominally better, but our Web site is so screwed up the whole thing could look much different in print anyhow.
It's amazing how odd a "normal work day" actually feels when you've been doing without them for going on a year and a half.
Probably more like the curtain rod, really. September 28, 2003 - Must Go Do Actual Writing The Picture Of The Moment has truly come full circle. We began with this picture of breasts being ogled at an auto race ...
-- and now we've returned.
Grand Prix of the Americas second-place finisher Roberto Moreno of Mexico clowns around as he poses with two unidentified runners-ups for the Miss Grand Prix of the Americas on Sunday in Miami. (AP Photo/Terry Renna)
Admittedly, this is no "we caught Howie Long staring at Britney Spears." It'll just have to do.
• As we will have to do with the Sox being the "Oh, hey, you're in the playoffs too." start at 10 p.m. on Wednesday. The scheduling isn't really all that surprising, but still, can you say, "Goodbye getting the gamer in for normal deadlines across New England?"
Personally, I'm happy about it. Given U.S.-Norway is at 7:30, I can now both reap the exposure benefits in first edition and speed home at like 90 miles an hour in time for the fifth inning or so.
Course, that's far from the only problem going on around here.
"The 5-foot, 300-pound adolescent gorilla escaped from its section of the Tropical Forest exhibit in August, but did not leave the exhibit grounds.
'Needless to say, until further notice, he is not going to be on exhibit,' Linehan said." -- How the saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm really, really stupid."
Film Aside: Theaters around the country owe it to us to pair this with "Fahrenheit 911" as a double feature. There are few things that could get me to sit in a theater for five hours. This would probably be pretty close to it. September 27, 2003 - A Witness To (Kind Of) History A Thank You For The City Of Sin: After walking around Foxwoods like a quarterback hearing footsteps, I'd just like to offer some thank yous to Las Vegas.
Thank you for thoroughly violating me for the sake of a couple hundred bucks. Thank you for giving me a credit card balance I can't pay; for keeping me from saving any significant cash for the past three months; and for being the least rewarding, most expensive vacation I have ever taken.
But most importantly, thank you for ruining casino games for me for the rest of my life. Now I can go to Foxwoods for the rest of my life and play poker, the only game at which anyone can succeed.
I can't wait til global warming and chlamydia level that whole fucking show. Like the apocalypse would dare start anywhere but Las Vegas.
• The announced attendance at Gillette Stadium today was 14,356 for the Women's World Cup, leaving the stadium slightly more than a fifth full. Given what went on, that sounds about worthy.
WWC Grp. B
1
2
FIN
Norway
4
3
7
South Korea
0
1
1
WWC Grp. C
1
2
FIN
Canada
1
2
3
Japan
1
0
1
To get the game stories out of the way, neither were exceptional contests. But both went roughly according to expected form.
South Korea had yet to score in the tournament and had already been eliminated. Norway entered the game ranked No. 2 in the world and felt they needed to score a lot of goals to up their differential for a shot at the group title.
Yeah, it was a mess. Beyond a mess. Whereas Korea was content to play ball control in the first half, Norway didn't even really set up plays. They just attacked. And scored, scored, scored, scored.
Korea looked much better in the second half, but their goal came as a result of a Nowegian mistake on a playback to the keeper. If this game was played 100 times, Norway would win it 101.
The eight goals tied an all-time WWC record for most scored in a single game -- just the sixth time 8 had been scored over the four tournaments. If nothing else, cheering for the 9th goal kept me occupied in the waning minutes ... and let's just say I wasn't the only person in the stadium on the edge of my seat when each team had a solid chance in extra time.
The winner of this game earned a berth in the quarters, so it was rightly expected to be hard-fought. Japan was by far the sharper team, but they fell victim to Canada's game plan.
High balls, because Asian people are short.
It sounds so simple and obvious, and yet, it worked. Canada wasn't as sharp passing the ball, but they didn't have to be. They spent the whole game lofting balls into the box, and scored on a sliding chip over the keeper, an open header off a corner and another chip over the keeper. A bit of a cop out, but you can't knock it's success.
The first goal, by Christine Latham, could easily be the best of the tournament. Fighting a Japanese defender on a through pass near the corner of the 8-yard box, Latham was able to slide with the defender on her back and left-foot it over the sliding keeper. Dare I say in the British voice, "Fan-TAS-tic goal!"
The games, however, weren't the whole story. And thank goodness. Considering I started the day by realizing I'd mistakenly requested a photographer's credential, as opposed to a reporter's one, I had to spend the whole day making sure the thing was flipped backward around my neck, hiding where I was supposed to have access to.
This just reinforces my belief that if you dress the part, look like you know what you're doing and don't really bother anyone, you can pretty much do whatever you want anywhere. I got in the pressbox, aside from the obvious "lack of space constraints," because I was dressed better than most reporters, carrying the equipment of reporters.
And yes, I resisted the urge to try and use my photographer's pass to get on the field. Something about "not having a camera" might have posed a problem.
Given I had no official seat in the Blue Press Box -- as described in the Pats preseason game review -- I just hung out in the Red Press Box, which is far better anyway. Below the Blue with the announcer's booth and scoreboard control, it has a single row of seats, windows that actually open, better views and is where they put the free food and drinks. Of course "free food and drinks" means soda and a boxed lunch with salt and vinegar chips, but anything that kept me from going downstairs and spending $17 on chicken fingers is AOK in my book.
The Red box is usually reserved for TV and radio people, but let me stress that the first round of the Women's World Cup is not exactly a large media draw. Not surprisingly, there were as many Japanese media members there as there were New England ones.
I resisted the urge to go to the Japan press conference and start killing reporters, thus freeing up space for a potential Sox-Yankees ALCS media credential, by the by.
Hanging out in the lower box gave me much more contact with, um, "unofficial media members." People with day passes, VIPs, guests there for some odd reason, etc. Suffice to say many of these people had either far too much soccer knowledge or none at all, which led t oexchanges ranging from analyses of play strategies to things like these:
"I'm still convinced No. 18 is a man. And No. 7 on China. No boobs. I think they're ringers, because Norway has all attractive women." -- Please Note: Korea was playing, not China. And the player in question IN NO WAY looks like a guy.
Given Korea was playing, there was the large contingent of Korean fans wo gained acclaim in the last men's World Cup. As they did there, they pounded thundersticks, slammed drums and waved flags for the entire 90 minutes, barely even stopping when their team was scored upon. Given how loudly they cheered even when saluting the Norwegians after the game was over, it's clear to see they're true soccer fans.
It's also clear to see that I will never, ever go to a soccer game in the Far East. My brain would explode somewhere around the 20th minute.
Their numbers even found a way to outnumber what you would expect at a WWC game in New England -- young girls soccer teams attending en masse. There looked to be one from Canada in the club seats, but only two or three that I saw who looked local.
And how does one spot a youth soccer team at these events, you ask? Because they always see fit to wear matching clothes, be it their uniforms or the same T-shirt. It's like the youth soccer boards are writing guides about this stuff -- "How To Show Off You Play The Game They're Playing On The Field."
The other overarching theme of the day was the way FIFA ensures all the advertising in the venues are covered. It's Olympic-like in that sense, ensuring nothing obscures the purity of the competition on the field.
Course, the halftime show then consists of nothing but an endless stream of commercials. It stil beat the ads for Nestle MILO and Vitaball from the MLS Cup, but the video showcasing the release of 'Bend It Like Beckham' on DVD seemed way too cliche to be actually happening.
All this said though, I had a good time as I always do. I've yet to go to an event I haven't enjoyed, and what happened today set up an absolutely landmark match-up in the quarterfinals at Foxboro -- U.S. vs. Norway. No. 1 vs. No. 2, for a berth in the Final Four.
Should you wonder the further significance, I'll be writing about it for Wednesday. September 26, 2003 - Where's Your Wheelchair Ramp? I'm With The Chicken:Arnold won't debate Gray Davis. I'm so not voting for him. Though it is nice to finally find his agenda.
Kindergarten Cop was a true comedic classic, wasn't it?
In Other News: I may very well have been getting hit on by a young, cute press official at the Women's World Cup today, or she may have just been a very friendly person. Either way, I didn't fully realize this until I was about halfway back to Whale City, which makes it very hard to investigate further.
Going so long with metal scaffolding on the bridge of my nose, it's hard to imagine the first situation actually happening. And being sent to the wrong place twice for credentials couldn't have helped my head either.
That and I'm oblivious.
• Really tough month to be alive, it seems.
If it's not the WUSA, it's Johnny Cash. And John Ritter. And George Plimpton, not George Clinton. And Robert Palmer. Dead, dead, dead, dead, not dead, dead. Plus Lord knows how many other people you've never heard of who choose their last memoriam to have something like this in it.
"Ms. Bertha enjoyed bargain shopping, and had some of her happiest moments on the days she watched the prices rollback at her local Wal-Mart. She also enjoyed needlepoint, but her greatest treasure was teaching her grandchildren what old people smell like."
Now, there's been some concern about the incompleteness of these death cycles. You know, deaths happen in threes, yet there only being two Johns, and just Plimpton and Palmer. Many are concerned about what they can do to avoid being the next in the circle.
Aside from the general benefits of knowing such a kind human being, if you're really nice to her, she can get you crack wicked cheap. We're talking way below wholesale.
OK, she cant' really get you crack. But what do I know, I just spent the majority of the evening spawning office sing-a-longs of 'Simply Irresistible.'
Coming Tomorrow: Experience what it's like to be in the pressbox for a Women's World Cup game ... through typing! September 25, 2003 - Yee. And/Or Haw. U.S. Beats Nigeria 5-0: There are few ways I could have been more wrong. I just felt that Nigeria's ultra-physical play would pose some obstacle, as it did in the 2000 Olympics when they lost just 3-1.
I guess it was just an unstoppable night for the whole Hamm-Garciaparra clan.
• First, let's try to ignore the obvious topic of conversation for a few moments so we might discuss a couple Pictures Of The Moment:
-- Twas only a matter of time.
President of the United States George W. Bush as King of Diamonds in 'The 52 Most Dangerous American Officials' cards, sold by the French group Reseau Voltaire (Voltaire Network). A little over 2,500 decks have been sold on the Internet in recent weeks. (AP Photo/Reseau Voltaire)
The translation of the card reads, "Head of a baseball club and director of Salem bin Laden's oil company (brother of Osama). Designated President of the United States by friends of his father at the Supreme Court before the vote count showed that he lost the elections."
It has it's own little "factual inaccuracies" -- he didn't still head the Texas Rangers when ran for president ... duh -- but it's generally a strong effort from a man who'd like us to believe no plane crashed into the Pentagon and that 9/11 is a conspiracy from within the U.S. government.
He had me right up until he started speaking. So close. But I do recommend reading that transcript ... it's fascinating how his theory is then shot down by another conspiracy theory.
Generally though, we can't be surprised by the deck of cards. Or, given the hoopla surrounding it, this.
-- The California Recall ... More Or Less Than A Chicken Holding Toilet Seats?
Todd Warden of the California Democratic Party demonstrates against California Republican gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger outside LA Center Studios in Los Angeles on Thursday. Schwarzenegger was a guest on 'The Sean Hannity Show' at the studio. (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello)
I didn't watch the debate the other night because, last I checked, I don't get to vote for governor of California. But I would love to see Arnold debate Gray Davis, since I'm convinced that the whole thing would devolve into actual name calling.
"You ah stupid, Gray Davis. I'm bettah than you." "No you're not. I'm better." "No. You're stupid, Gray Davis. You ah dumb." "No, you are."
I just see it as what happens when there's a complete talent suck happening.
Which is not the case at Fenway Park, even though combining John Burkett and Omar Daal's numbers over the past two days creates this monster starter:
2 IP, 14 H, 13 ER, 1 BB, 1 K, 3 HR
There was no suspense tonight, only celebration. The game had the feel of honestly being over when the Sox plated two in the first, because you just knew it was far from the end of the scoring. I actually spent most of the night kvetching that they were scoring too much -- given I was doing the sports cover, the game had to actually end before I could move on.
And yet you just could watch that ninth inning, and everything that went on after it, without a goofy smile on your face.
A lot of fans as of late are comparing this 2003 team to the 'Impossible Dream' year of 1967. Not literally, of course -- it was an 'Impossible Dream' to win the AL in '67 because Boston was 22 under .500 in 1966 -- but in a likability sense. I can't speak for that, but I can say without a doubt this is the most likable Red Sox team of my generation.
You saw it last night ... in the same way you probably saw it when a young team clinched the AL East title in 1986. Out on the field celebrating with fans, screaming into the stadium mike, thanking everyone. Going into the clubhouse, then coming back out onto the field. Jason Varitek dumping beers all over everybody. Manny firing a garden hose around the clubhouse. David Ortiz screaming unintelligibly. Kevin Millar singing. Todd Walker saying "ass" on live TV. Trot Nixon biting through a beer can and double fisting "like Stone Cold Steve Austin."
Even owner John Henry trying to speak about the scene, and being unable to find the words.
Sure, maybe it was a little much for nabbing the American League's emergency playoff life raft for the third time. But this team deserved it, and if this Division Series is the end of the line for the Sox this summer, at least now both sides know how much they mean to the other.
If it isn't, well, we're practicing for when it really counts.
Aside: The Red Sox truly mean business in the ALDS, and how do I know? They refused me a media credential for the series, meaning I will be unable to jinx the team with my presence in the park.
I tell you, this ownership group thinks of everything. September 24, 2003 - My Argument Is Awful More Private Course Piracy:
Hole
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
OUT
Yards
281
455
350
149
137
410
174
398
315
2669
PAR
4
5
4
3
3
4
3
4
4
34
Cooch
7
7
5
4
2
6
4
6
6
47
• Reservation GC - Mattapoisett, Mass. •
Hole
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
IN
Yards
281
450
340
189
157
384
252
420
315
2788
PAR
4
5
4
3
3
4
4
4
4
35
Cooch
4
5
5
3
4
6
5
4
5
41
PAR 70
88, 19 OVER PAR
5457 YARDS
Birdies: 1 - Pars: 4 - Bogeys: 7 - Others: 6 Fairways Hit: 7 of 13 - Greens In Regulation: 3 of 18 - Putts: 35
The sad thing is I'm remembering how to putt and how to hit irons, and I still can't break 85.
Kevin Millar For Red Sox MVP: It's His Spirit, Not The Stats -- Part of a package that looks much better in print, thanks be to my crack design style. Six of us wrote on who we thought was Boston's MVP -- I took a somewhat unorthodox approach.
• First, you heard it here first. The United States women's soccer team will lose to Nigeria on Thursday night, throwing the U.S. soccer universe into all-out panic.
This will be nothing compared to the panic in Red Sox Nation if Boston doesn't have the playoffs officially locked by Friday. Really though ... how would John Burkett ever beat Pat Hentgen?
Oh yeah. If they were bowling.
Now, many of you have correctly noted I take a lot of my writing style from the Boston Sports Guy Bill Simmons. It's just the nature of being 23 and a sports fan in his former market.
Of course, as time has gone by, our views have started to split. And I'm trying my best to ignore his calling the ovation for Roger Clemens one of his "lowest moments as a Red Sox fan." That'd be a perfectly valid argument to make ... if he was 12. Cheering him seven years ago would have essentially been cheering your ex-girlfriend when you see her with a new guy a week after you broke up, you dope.
But I digress.
"I was in Hawaii when I heard the news (of Isiah Thomas being fired). That's right ... it was my belated honeymoon. Literally. I remember that it was 3 in the afternoon there. I went online because one of my whatifsports.com teams was in the playoffs."
Oh, OK. You're on your honeymoon in Hawaii, and the best way you can spend it is playing with the pitching rotation of your made-up fantasy baseball team.
Here's the column where he goes in depth about the site. As a certified wallflower at normal parties, nevermind ones with legitimate celebrities, I still can't even find the words.
But hey, great minds do think differently on occasion. Of course, his probably wouldn't have drafted David "Suspended" Boston as a top receiver choice, or traded away his No. 2 QB the week his No. 1 had a bye, but mine probably wouldn't have his whole week submarined by it. September 23, 2003 - Rub The No Rub Submitted Without Further Comment: After all, there's 18 more coming tomorrow.
Hole
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
OUT
Yards
123
463
384
190
235
393
326
364
345
2823
PAR
3
5
4
3
4
4
4
4
4
35
Cooch
5
8
5
4
5
5
4
5
4
45
• Hawthorne CC - Dartmouth, Mass. •
45, 10 OVER PAR
Birdies: 0 - Pars: 2 - Bogeys: 5 - Others: 2 Fairways Hit: 1 of 7 - Greens In Regulation: 1 of 9 - Putts: 17
I'm Linking To A Shaughnessy Column:Wow. On purpose and everything.
Not about the possibility of the playoffs, not at all. That's a berth that was theoretically clinched when Boston went 4-for-4 on Seattle the third week in August, and only now are the Mariner faithful realizing excuses like "They're stealing signs!" aren't going to get them in the playoffs any faster.
I'm scared because of the writing on the wall.
1) Down 5-2 in the bottom of the ninth, 2 on, 2 out, 3-2 count, the stuff of children's fantasies ... Todd Walker hits a home run to tie the game. An inning later, David Ortiz (who is now officially a legitimate candidate for AL MVP) wins it with another home run.
2) For the first time in a long time, if ever, Pedro is peaking in September. 4-0, with a shot at 5-0 tonight.
3) Byung-Hyun Kim has thrown three straight 1-2-3 ninths.
4) The entire team is healthy, excited and ready to go into the playoffs.
Seriously. I'm going to quote Dan Shaughnessy.
"It's nights like this that make you wonder ..."
September 22, 2003 - The Grind Of More Golf Radio Ratings: To calm fears about another station fond of changing formats, and for whom a change might lead me to commit homocide, I looked at the latest Boston ratings book.
Honestly, I'm a little concerned. Not so much for BCN, who is still in the top half, but for WFNX, which deserves much better than where it is. Course I suppose it's not going anywhere, given it's "family" owned.
I would, however, be real curious to see where one can pick up WBRU in the Boston market. I mean no slag, as it's actually a really good college radio station, but given the campus in question is actually Brown ... well, I'd like to believe kids on the BU campus have a better shot of picking up a Providence college station than they do their own.
Apology Plug: Here is where I would give you a link to WTBU Radio - THE BEAT of Boston University, but their whole site is down. BU's College of Communication, children. Educating tomorrow's vultures ... TODAY!
• After about 20 or 25 times, please promise me you'll force yourself to stop playing this and get back to work. I don't want anyone to fall into the black hole that has become my productivity pattern.
Contrary to a comment made after Thursday's "Day In The Life" update, I am not in a funk of any sort. Yes, it would be delightful if I had a special person with whom I could share the exorbitant amounts of free time this new job seems to give me -- I inexplicably had today off and will have tomorrow off in exchange for working Friday night. But I realize that it took me a very long time to meet someone as special as Meg, and thus will take me a very long time to cultivate the kind of relationship that can equal or exceed her in my mind.
I'm banking on it happening someday. For now, I'll just have to stick to stumbling into Howard Dean flash mobs for entertainment.
Well, that and beer.
So, at the risk of exposing my life for the fradulent escapade that it is, how did I spend my night off?
Grocery shopping, watching wrestling and the assembly of one computer desk that actually goes perfectly in my apartment.
If you're not among the seven or so people who have acutally been inside the Whale City Estate, you don't know that my computer, up to now, has been "temporarily" on the end table next to my couch since I moved in. This meant I had to sit on the couch to use the computer.
You really have no idea how much harder it is to do work sitting on a couch until you attempt it ... for a year. The fact that the past twelve months have actually seen me advance at work boggles my mind because of this.
Instead, I can now sit straight in my permanently borrowed and quality Boston University desk chair -- thank you again, chair provider -- and think of what a nice view of the water I'd have if all of downtown New Bedford were leveled in a nuclear blast.
Grocery Shopping Aside: Why is it that, wherever you go, the person working the fish counter is far more excited about their job than anyone else in the store? Are they trained like this? It's as though they're actually eager to get you the freshest fish possible, and will go so far as to suggest fresh things they have in the back.
You have to understand ... in a city where I recently spent upwards of 20 minutes getting exactly two digital prints made from a "self-service" kiosk at Walgreens, I'm impressed if someone just comes to the counter and does what I ask. The whole fish thing floors me to the point I've continued buying things there for months.
Hey, don't laugh. Someday you'll be out of college and on your own too. September 21, 2003 - Goat This The Wroundup: The novelty of writing about every football game, even the ones I got to see no more than highlights of, has worn off. I hate writing it. You hate reading it. And thus, it goes the way of the Ivy League Word Of The Day.
The Ivy League Word of the Day, which highlights some of the verbiage encountered when editing copy from Ivy-educated reporters, became a lot harder to write when all of the Ivy League-educated reporters left the paper for "other" pastures. Note I did not say greener, because I'm not sure things ever get green in Concord, N.H.
Reformatting: It's not uncommon for radio stations, stuck and downtrodden in the ratings wars, to change formats. Thus, as absolute bullshit as it is, goodbye Radio 104, hello Power 104.1, which will now fill all your 50 Cent and DMX needs as appropriate.
As is being thoroughly discussed here, for as popular as it was in my age bracket, WMRQ had piss-poor ratings, getting beat by WCCC in both Hartford and Springfield. Of course, I'm convinced the discrepancy had a lot to do with one station having this morning show and the other having had this morning show, but I'm clearly biased.
Or not a redneck. Something like that.
• So here's a question.
--Mary Carey's Chest ... Larger Than Gary Coleman?
Did tickets to the Emmys come in the Gubernatorial Recall tote bag, or did they have to pull strings in their respective fields to secure an invite?
I suppose Coleman probably has free tickets for life given his landmark work on The Fantastic World Of D.C. Collins. And come to think of it, Carey has probably been nominated for a few AVN Awards, so that must be enough to get into a show of equal weight.
I'm just hoping someday we can finally have a true double winner -- the "Best Alternative Video" prize at the VMA's and the AVN's. And give the way MTV's going, can it really be that far off?
Tonight's Emmy awards were undoubtably full of thrills, spills, crying, orchestras and inside jokes no one out of the industry would get. And I didn't even watch it! For the most part I'm OK with that, but there is one burning question I need answered.
-- Do you think Joan Rivers understands the irony?
California gubernatorial candidate and adult film actress Mary Carey poses for photographers as she arrives at the 55th annual Primetime Emmy Awards on Sunday. (AP Photos/Kim D. Johnson)
California gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman, right, is joined by Ana Ray as he arrives at the 55th annual Primetime Emmy Awards on Sunday in Los Angeles. (AP Photos/Laura Rauch)
Joan Rivers, with E! Entertainment Television, arrives for the 55th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards on Sunday at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)
September 20, 2003 - A Jerky, A Can And A Bag The Picks: Now presented in a delightful nested table!
Bucs (-4) over FALCONS
Pack (-8) over CARDS
SEAHAWKS (-3) over Rams
Vikings (-3½) over LIONS
PATS (-6½) over Jets
Steelers (-4½) over CINCY
COLTS (-8) over Jaguars
Chiefs (-7½) over TEXANS
Giants (+2½) over SKINS
Ravens (-1) over CHARGERS
49ERS (-7) over Browns
DOLPHINS (-3) over Bills
Saints (+4) over TITANS
Raiders (+5) over BRONCOS
Week One Spread: 4-11-1 Week Two Spread: 10-5-1 Overall: 14-16-2
As for the no spread, take Tampa, Green Bay, Seattle, Minnesota, New England, Pittsburgh, Indy, K.C., the Giants, Baltimore, San Fran, New Orleans, Miami and Denver. Not real hard to figure considering I picked three underdogs out of 14.
Week One Straight: 7-9 Week Two Straight: 13-3 Overall: 20-12
Losing Lines: Scott Sauerbeck's pitching line tonight in Cleveland: 2/3 IP, 1 H, 2 ER, 2 BB. That would be bad. Then Scott Williamson came in and fired off a 2/3 IP, 3 H, 5 ER, 2 BB, 1 K. And thank God he got that strikeout!
Will Sox Fans Find Relief In October? -- I knew I should have just referred to him as 'Sauersuck.' Even if Scott Williamson didn't live up to my "make him the closer" call, I still like what I've done here. And that's not just the time investment that went to it talking.
Perhaps more than our group walking into a Howard Dean flash mob in Somerville tonight, but definitely more than walking into the nearby Store 24 and seeing that they're selling guacamole-flavored Doritos that, for some reason, taste spicy.
You can say what you will about Howard Dean. But it is heartening to see a Democrat who figures his best chance to win the nomination is to act like a Democrat.
I'm just glad, living in a state where the Democratic party has already received our electoral votes, I can vote for Johnny Knoxville and be done with it. September 19, 2003 - It's Hip To Be On IR Correction From Yesterday: I did not, in fact, oversleep my 6 a.m. alarm. Somehow I rousted, so I make the drive to here to do this:
Hole
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
OUT
Yards
342
364
169
414
336
278
197
385
341
2826
PAR
4
4
3
4
4
4
3
4
4
34
Cooch
4
5
5
8
6
4
4
4
4
44
• Cape Ann GC - Essex, Mass. •
Hole
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
IN
Yards
357
379
181
462
346
289
258
410
354
3036
PAR
4
4
3
5
4
4
3
4
4
35
Cooch
4
4
5
8
4
4
5
5
6
45
PAR 70
89, 20 OVER PAR
5862 YARDS
Birdies: 0 - Pars: 8 - Bogeys: 3 - Others: 7 Fairways Hit: 5 of 14 - Greens In Regulation: 2 of 18 - Putts: 29 Money Won - $6
This may have been the first round all year where I truly remember how to both chip and putt, but taking no less than five penalty strokes for hitting golf balls into salt marshes has a very negative effect on a round, but it's hard to get all that angry about it when you're playing on the coastline amid 30 mph wind gusts from Hurricane Isabel.
It's also hard to get angry when you're riding and playing with a golfer who's blind.
• Today was pretty much the speed of any bachelor party most friends of mine would have -- a round of golf, drinking and a trip to a sports bar for eating and yet more drinking. Suffice to say when Mark is married two weeks from today, he'll be able to look back on today's festivities and think, "Wow, we must have drained an entire keg of Harpoon IPA.
Perhaps the most striking, yet least surprising, thing about Manchester By The Sea's Harbor House Pub? A pub-fare menu based almost entirely on seafood. Yes to wings, pizza and nachos, but yes also to steamers, clam plates and what-have-you.
Of course, you come to expect this when the kitchen staff could literally run across the street to the fishermen when each order was placed.
Given Mark's betrothed is of English origin by way of Maine, there was bound to be some sort of accented contingent at today's festivities. It ended up being Chris, an extremely affable gent who lives in Wales and has a long military service record behind him.
He's got stories and jokes to last most of the day, and he talks to you with that kind of British familiarity that makes it appear to others like you've known each other all your lives.
He's also lost most of his vision, yet just took up couple a couple years back.
Each year during the U.S. Open, when the USGA throws out their "fund drive" commercials about all the wonderous things they do, they bring out the one involving the blind golfer. His name escapes me, but he's entirely blind, needing people to aim him, describe the terrain to him, the whole nine yards.
I always marveled at that.
And now I got to see it in person, sort of.
Chris didn't actually play a full round with us, but he rode along, taking a shot here and there. Not being able to see to the end of his club at address, he'll sort of square off the face to the ball with his hand, then require someone to point him at the target and tell him how far the shot is. From there, it's all him, He plays to a 48 handicap -- about three times what mine is now -- and is in a group back home of blind golfers, one of whom just won the world championship of blind golf in America.
This all just boggles my mind. It did on TV, and it continues to after having seen it in person.
A couple of weeks ago on the AP Wire, they ran photos of an amputee/paraplegic/actual name escapes me golf tournament. These were men and women without an arm, without a leg, without both legs, playing golf. People for whom playing may actually be a difficult physical task, yet they do it anyway for enjoyment.
I will leave you to attache a cliched ending to this story yourself.
After all, this was a bachelor party, not a soap opera. Chris's greatest talent may have been translating his hundreds of British jokes to terminology we Americans could understand. Plus in the span of about 20 minutes, I ate a steamer, a Buffalo wing, a nacho, a pizza and drank a beer. That's not likely to ever happen again.
And I didn't even end up the wasted one. September 18, 2003 - Day In The Life David Blaine: I think I overstated my fervor about the whole illusionist thing yesterday. I do not actually care that his box trick is probably an illusion, for it gives the world's morons a new story to attach their sinking lifeboats too. I actually respect that Blaine is the showman that he is, and that he can captivate nations with his tricks or dreamscapes or whatever he calls them.
Thank goodness that message board was there to calm me down.
I'm A Fashion Faux Pas: Please note what school most of the fashion plates in this Boston.com feature attend, including the first girl, from whom the story says Boston College but who is standing on the BU campus for the shoot.
Also note that the plethora of girls at BU who look like this
or better still is among the list of reasons why my graduation, and consequent departure from campus, causes me to cry myself to sleep at night, and that the plethora of guys who look like this:
make me glad I don't own a firearm.
Though I do have to say, the use of the phrase "denim jeans by K-Mart ($16)" in an actual, serious sentence is awesome.
• In my mind, where this site gets 13,000 unique visitors an hour, I am often asked the question:
"So Cooch, how do you spend the average day?"
Now I'm not one to brag, but I think I have it pretty well. Sure, I live by myself and can't even be motivated to list wrestling tapes on eBay, but I've got it pretty good. So good, I can use "pretty good" twice, the correct "pretty well" once and not even fucking care.
So, imaginary reader, I'll be happy to tell you how I spend the average day, right down to the minute-by-minute. For example, here's today, September 18, 2003, in prose.
8:22 a.m. - Open my eyes to note the time, that I'm fully dressed and that I can read my clock across the room because my contacts are still in. Wonder for a moment how this happened, since my last memory was of lying on the couch to watch Conan O'Brien.
8:25 a.m. -- After going to the bathroom and removing contacts before they fused to my corneii, determined it was way too early for me to be up, changed clothes and went to bed like normal people do.
Though normal people typically do not do it at 8:25 a.m.
11 a.m. -- Succeed in waking up, realizing I can now watch SportsCenter from start to finish in one hour, as God intended, as opposed to seeing the last XX minutes, then getting the rest at the next re-airing.
This is the equivelant to Jerry Seinfeld's "Perfect Pump" in those American Express commercials of yesterday. It's exhilarating, difficult to accomplish and utterly worthless in a reality-based system.
1 p.m. -- Finally finish plodding through weak update for September 17th, whose only redeeming trait is the tying of needlessness to the whole thing.
Only Now: I realize the irony of needlessness in relation to this Web site.
1:15 p.m. -- Realize that I have three writing assignments I need to have done for Friday night, but that during the day Friday, I will be at a bachelor party and unable to work. Slight panic.
2 p.m. -- After determining one of the three pieces is not happening, ditch it and retire to the kitchen, where I'm reminded the only thing I have to eat that doesn't involve preparation or being disgusting is a plum.
2:30 p.m. -- In attempting to write the second piece, a column on the Red Sox, I decide I really need to buy an actual computer desk, because the reason I get no work done in the apartment probably has a lot to do with my computer being next to the comfy couch.
3:15 p.m. -- After determining that even Major League Baseball doesn't know who the fuck is eligible for postseason rosters, freak out about the column and immediately decide I need to shower.
The pre-shower routine of running and doing 30-something pushups is skipped. I've continued to do the pushups with some regularity because they have helped me add 10 yards to my golf game, but the running has ceased since Meg dumped me.
Whereas most people find motivation in someone special saying they don't love them anymore, I've decided it's much easier to just hate my pasty, ugly body every now and then and call it even.
3:35 p.m. -- Now out of the shower and changed, recieve call from sports editor pretending to be AT&T telemarketer. Finally reaches point of the call with, "Can that Sox column run on Sunday?" Panic abated, since no excuse was ready as to why piece I should have written Tuesday wasn't done yet.
3:55 p.m. -- Prepare day's first meal out of, I shit you not, two turkey burgers, a tomato and a slice of provolone cheese. No wonder my midsection looks like a garbage bag full of wet leaves.
4:30 p.m. -- After arriving to work to find my desk occupied, I solicit the office for Dunkin Donuts requests and go for a walk downtown. Return some half-hour later with only request and nothing for myself, as the fucking Coolatta machine was broken.
Determine my day has officially been a failure, but leave the decision subject to change.
5 p.m. -- Given my pages for the night, I see I have both high school sports pages. This ostensibly means I will have basically no work to do for the next four hours, but that the last couple before deadline will be a crunch. I abate as best I can.
The Next Four Hours: Among other things, I eat nearly an entire can of Pringles and an order of boiled Chinese dumplings, discuss how our golf writer and I can continue to play free golf at area courses, realize we have played golf at several private clubs we should be arrested for looking at, that we need to play at the other private clubs we have no business on, make loud jokes mocking various people, discuss toilet humor, continue to welch on principle over a stupid bet previously made with a coworker, and do most of my job because things got done early.
9:30-10 p.m-ish -- Turn on Instant Messenger, and am almost immediately in three conversations. Freak out, but realize when one spends the better part of six years on a chat service and then disappears, people kinda freak out.
11:30 p.m. -- Done fucking around for the evening because most everyone else has gone home, I begin to write the third of my three pieces. I am then systematically interrupted over the next two hours by, among other things, an excellent conversation about Spike Jones with a co-worker, this Web site I was using for research and the computer for our imagesetter deciding the deadline crunch was the best time for it to shut down and cease operation.
2:34 a.m. Friday -- Am the last person who leaves the office but for one of the Web guys who shows up at like 1 a.m. every night, and sings really crappy songs aloud because he's used to being there alone.
2:35 a.m. -- Think it smells like Coors Light outside, then determining that yes, it really does smell like Coors Light outside. Think to self that it'd be funny to write, "Repeatedly punch self in face to blur our smell of Coors Light," but decide against it.
2:40 a.m. -- Walking past a car in the parking lot of the apartment building, I note there's a woman whom I thought lived in the building sleeping in it. After initial instinctual response that she was dead, decide the best course of action is not to knock on the car window and ask why she's sleeping there, because the only end to that story is the woman sleeping in my apartment.
This is not a good ending when Friday will be a day spent almost entirely out of the apartment starting at like 6 a.m.
4:15 a.m. -- Finally done with long, better-than-usual Web update, go to bed.
And of course, the predicted but obviously logical ending to all this:
6 a.m.: Sleep through alarm, miss day of golf, leave Hypho with no ride and generally ruin day for self and others.
But hey, at least I de-declared the day a failure. Definitely pushed it to "draw." September 17, 2003 - Your Utility Bill Has Arrived Needless Introspection: Given my day consisted of waking, golfing, working and sleeping, I really have no right to complain about anything. And yet, my mind keeps getting triggered into depressing thoughts by seemingly innocent things like roadways and beaches.
It's not news that I think too much; that very trait is half the reason I'm where I am today. But I could really use a little selective ignorance right about now, so if anyone can simply explain to me how the hell to bottle this, I'd really appreciate it.
More Needless Golf Talk:
Hole
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
OUT
Yards
310
383
381
201
433
428
170
462
391
3159
PAR
4
4
4
3
4
4
3
5
4
35
Cooch
6
4
7
3
6
6
4
5
5
46
• Acoaxet Club - Westport, Mass. •
Hole
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
IN
Yards
310
383
383
184
393
471
151
394
378
3047
PAR
4
4
4
3
4
5
3
4
4
35
Cooch
5
4
6
4
5
5
4
4
5
42
PAR 70
88, 18 OVER PAR
6206 YARDS
Birdies: 0 - Pars: 6 - Bogeys: 7 - Others: 5 Fairways Hit: 7 of 14 - Greens In Regulation: 3 of 18 - Putts: 34
Playing golf at a private course overlooking Westport Harbor is very, very good.
Five three-putts and three shots lost out-of-bounds is very, very bad.
And I still can't figure out why all the private courses we play get so little action when we're there. You'd think for tens of thousands of dollars, the membership would be a little more motivated to get out the sticks on a regular basis.
When it comes to "needless," I think sitting in a glass box and not eating for 44 days is pretty near the top of the list. When your listed reason for doing something involves the sentence, "I think it is worth it for my art even if I drop dead," you clearly need to get a fucking job or something.
When previously in your explanation you say that it will be triumphant for a human to survive this, then you say it really won't make a difference if you die doing it, that is what we call a "contradiction."
But perhaps the best part of this is when you list your occupation as "ILLUSIONIST," it gives the impression there's some kind of trick to it. Like that there's glucose in his water or whatever.
Either way, there is one positive to come out of all of this.
Another delightful Internet message board. September 16, 2003 - Sauteed Day Off "Fame" Not Involving Me: For all the compliments and hullabaloo surrounding my TV appearance, fellow former BUCB Governor General Ellen Rosoff is now in the Internet Movie Database. As a group project, I now demand those of you that know her -- and even those that don't -- start discussing how cool she is on her personal IMDb message board.
Worth Mentioning: The fans at the UConn-BC game on Saturday were apparently out of control.
"The UConn fans were really mean. They threw open beer cans at the BC student buses, and all the tailgaters were harassing us on the way to the stadium. I was scared."
So congratulations of UConn, for you've now proven yourself worthy of a big-time college football program. And congrats to Lisa who, as a UMD grad now referring to herself as affiliated with BC for no important reason, caused my skin to spontaneously combust.
The California Recall: Contrary to what the Official Taco Poll says, I think I know a Last Action Hero who won't be becoming governor in March 2004. And really, if Gray Davis can't even win when riding on the back of the most yummiest item, he's screwed too.
I mean seriously, losing with the soft chicken taco? To hard beef, and its Shrapnel Shell of Death? As they would put it, "Dude!"
I suppose it could be issues of cost, with the CST possibly double the price, but if you're classing it up by going to Taco Bell in a state with actual quality Mexican on every friggin streetcorner ... you'd think an extra buck wouldn't be an issue.
• Just delaying the recall election from October to March completely changes the dynamic of things, helping the Democratic candidates while hurting guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger, who now has to fill five months with all the "why" questions he's been skirting.
Having written a feature tangentially on this very topic just one month ago, I wanted to take a little time to think before I said anything about the league's folding. But you know, there's only so much you can say about an outcome that I think everyone expected when the league began.
I mean, let's be honest here. Soccer is not really marketable yet in this country, and neither are women's sports in general outside of tennis. We all know why tennis succeds, and the only thing keeping the WNBA afloat is the millions of dollars the NBA is pumping into it.
The WUSA had no such financier, and it wasn't a league about whoring itself out. And thus it couldn't succeed long-term. Plain and simple.
But you can't really say it didn't succeed, because it made inroads. Read over the quotes Joe Cummings gave me that I used in the story. The Boston Breakers were a success ... arguable the biggest success in the entire league. They didn't make a huge splash in the Boston sports scene, but almost nothing does in the face of the Pats, Sox, B's and C's.
I believe the numbers I saw in the Globe were losses of under $1 million this year, and ten seasons before they'd break even. And that was for arguably the league most succesful team, playing in a soccer hotbed region. Yeah.
What may be the saddest part of this whole story is, looking over the way the league promoted itself and what kind of people it filled itself with, there really was no other way this could have ended. The players in the WUSA are the world's greatest female soccer players, yet they remain accessible to the fans they're always trying to convert. And yet that still wasn't enough.
I believe the number is 56 players from the WUSA who be taking part in the Women's World Cup, starting Sunday. Roughly a quarter of those involved ... we were genuinely dealing with the premier female soccer league in the world.
One would have to hope that the league's failure won't undo a lot of the roads it started to pave -- the stuff Joe said to me about establishing one of the first real places where women could make a living as athletes especially. But the fact is there were people who claimed this would fail when it started, watched it fail and now have the sick smile of "being right."
So what is there to say about all of it?
The league began on the enthusiasm of the '99 WWC, so naturally, a lot of people think the same kind of kick will come from the '03 WWC. But it's not the same. The U.S., even more than in 1999, is expected to win this year. So even if they do, there won't be that kind of uplifting story and fervor.
And when I say uplifting, it has nothing to do with the sportsbra thing. I swear. September 15, 2003 - Meet The Badgers Who remembers Madonna's first book? The kind of thing that elicited reviews of "I finally succumbed!" and those who celebrated that it contained a lot of pictures.
-- Really, wasn't a quintet of kids' books the logical next step?
Madonna arrives at the launch party for her first children's book, 'The English Roses,' at the Roof Gardens, London on Sunday. The book will be officially published around the world in 30 languages. (REUTERS / Michael Crabtree)
At risk of getting all hypocritical when I have plenty of other things I can get hypocritical about, we'll stick to The Guardian, who have actually read the book, for the review.
"However, the story's charm is completely undermined by the odious pictures. They are like mid-60s advertising copy cut-outs on 'skinny chic' legs. They are repulsive and faintly unpleasant with big doe eyes and bowlips which never change. Their form is both passive and sexual, it is Disney meets Twiggy, the waif. It all makes you feel slightly unpleasant."
Two years ago, the Giants went down to Arizona are were dominant, winning something like 28-0. It was amazing. Don't get me wrong, the Cardinals were awful as always, but the Giants' just do not play well on Sunday nights, Monday nights or any stage where the world would be watching.
And yet, when that (-7½) line came down the pike, I bit. Just a fraction more than the number of field goals they lost the game via.
When the Giants fell behind by 16, with Kerry looking and throwing ... drunk? ... it wasn't so bad because you expected it. When Jeremy Shockey starting dropping every pass thrown to him, you accepted it wasn't their night. And when he started smiling about it, you ... got really confused.
But then, it was their night. The merciful comeback came, and 29-14 made a lot more sense as 29-all.
Looking at the numbers, the Giants were dominated in time of possession, but held the ball for much of the end of the game, taxing the Dallas defense. Really, it was a genius game plan to comeback against an inexperienced team.
It just came down to what can't even be termed a special teams mistake. To have a squib kick end up rolling out bounds is an error, but it happens.
To lose to Dallas, who'll be lucky to win six games this year, is a blown opportunity. To fail to move two games ahead of Philly, who sadly won't suck forever, isn't good. But it happened because of an assemblage of flukes and bad weather ... nothing worth panicking about.
Really. Total calm.
Though Shockey's 'Evening of Too Many Butterfingers' I could have done without.
I Second That Emotion -- I seem to have strong streaks and weak streaks when it comes to the columns -- runs where I have topics I drill every time, then others where I'm stuck staring at the blinking cursor. Lately, I have the distinct feeling I'm in the second of those.
September 14, 2003 - Fair Criticism More At The Fair: The Big E story would be so much easier to tell with pictures, but because there are none, I'm going to have to resort to the style of notes at the end of an AP sports story. [Big breath in] ...
Despite what you may feel about Bambi, the fur of deer is very wiry, much like Cooch's hair ... Carnies have now publicly accepted and announced that their games are rigged, by putting signs like "Rims are not regulation to test your skill." on basketball games. This did not stop me from spending $2.50 to try to win an X-Box via ring toss, only to have the ring thrown perfectly over the top of the bottle glance off as carnie physics demands. ... The Big E Cream Puff, the fair's newest concoction, has about 50% too much cream in it. It's like trying to eat a tub of Cool Whip, then eat a powdered croissant. ... The Vermont building this year featured a "Dean For America" staffer waiting at the door poised with what looked to a sign-up of some sort. I don't know, because she didn't actually approach us, which is odd considering the entire group I was with was 18- to 23-year-old registered voters. ... In keeping with my new hatred campaign announced March 16, I cussed under my breath at the University of Maine display, making a comment about fat women. I also bought a root beer float from the New Hampshire building, and though I enjoyed it, subconsciously I knew they stiffed me on a full scoop of vanilla ice cream, the fuckers.
Just so I can end that with a swear about New Hampshire, new paragraph:
The Republican sponsored an exhibit of 20th Century Headlines that I greatly enjoyed given my profession, but I did find it odd that there was only one Springfield front page in the whole 100-or-so on display, and that the majority were from the Wisconsin State Journal. ... Also reassuring was that the first front page in the 20th Century Headlines exhibit described James A. Garfield's assassination, which happened in 1881. ... Though it was not complete when we were there, this year butter sculpture will feature a cow looking at a computer screen with two children. ... There's a circus museum in the Hampden County Building. Having lived in Hampden County for 18 years, I knew of neither's existence until about two minutes ago. ... Lynyrd Skynyrd, who was to perform on Saturday night until they cancelled, was previously unknows to both Charlie and my father, both of which thought it was just some guy with a weird name. ... In perhaps the funniest thing Charlie has ever said, upon seeing shorn sheep wearing full white hoods with only holes for their eyes, "Look! Klan sheep! They want to kill the black ones!" ... It may seem insensitive here, but I assure you, it was so funny at the time I almost stepped in dung.
Dung is a good way to end it, I think. I'm just going to leave it at this -- if you're in the area, and you don't go to the Big E at least once, I hate you. Yes, hate.
Hate.
Football Picks: Last week, Matt Bruce announced via comment that my 4-11-1 opening record could be beaten often by trained monkeys. He may have been right.
As such, this week I've gone 10-4-1, with the Giants to play and my losses being Houston, Tampa, Oakland and Cleveland. As a football gambling writer, were I one, I would be 4-3 on recommended games, and up 7 units.
There is still time to climb on the bandwagon, everyone. At some point, I may even resume betting.
• If it's Sunday, it's time for another week of self-hate and odd links. But before that, it's the Week Two Wrundown.
Urge To Kill Falling: Patriots 31, Eagles 10 Somewhere in the sands of time, there's an alternate universe where the Patriots lost this game 31-10, are 0-2 and have been asanyingly outscored in their first two games. It's not a happy place, because Bill Belichick is just murdering people left and right. Mainly members of the press, because the armageddon proclaimants are just too loud and the boos are just too strong for him to persevere.
We call this place "Philadelphia," and it's not Belichick killing, it's Donovan McNabb.
The offensive success today was probably more a function of Philly's loss of Shawn Dawkins, but they still got it done. The six turnovers and seven sacks was likely a function of a QB with zero confidence, but they still got it done. That was what this game was about. Sucking it up, moving on, and getting it done. Days like today are why the Patriots are still a viable Super Bowl candidate. It's irrelevant how they feel about their coach ... if they want to steel against him and win, so be it. But I don't think they are.
It's not ever that Lawyer Milloy may have burned the bridge too thoroughly on his way west. Playing football subjects the human body to way too much punishment for a guy not to play to win. Anyone who thinks the team is going to fold is, well, wrong, and you heard it here first -- they beat Buffalo in Week 17 by two scores.
As for Philadelphia ... well, at least you guys still have scrapple.
Report on Giants' (upcoming) underwhelming performance coming Monday.
Rams 27, 49ers 24 (OT) Cedrick Wilson-bashing aside, you officially "have to wonder" about Mike Martz. Last week, Marshall Faulk gets 16 touches for 55 yards (11 of which came on a 4th-and-12 the Giants were happy to give up), and the Rams lose. This week he doesn't throw the ball 54 times, instead giving Faulk gets 18 rushes, 22 total touches, he scores a touchdown and the Rams win (even if they should have lost). And yet, the story is Marc Bulger playing hero again.
Is this really so hard to follow? Does this mean I, too, can be an offensive genius and get a Super Bowl ring? Or does he not-so-secretly hate Kurt Warner and is trying to destroy his "creation" like Vince McMahon tried to do in Hulk Hogan?
The world may never know.
Saints 31, Texans 10 Wynn's only loss of the week was a flyer anyway, and given Joe Horn played, it's not that unexpected. But after all the hoopla surrounding the win over Miami, we're all reminded that the Texans will go as far as David Carr will carry them, and no further. Though if he keeps juking DBs out of their gold pants, that could be a good ways.
Dolphins 21, Jets 10 Possibly as soon as next week, Vinny Testaverde will pass Johnny Unitas on the all-time passing yards list for eighth all-time. I'd like to declare a moment of silence for this, because 40,000-yard club or not, Vinny Testaverde isn't even fit to sweep up the shavings from Johnny U's flat-top.
Bills 38, Jaguars 17 Last week's performance aside, I think cutthroat players across America are underestimating just how solid "the team playing the Jaguars" pick could be for the rest of the 2003 season. Here it is Week 2 and they've already given up on Mark Brunell ... 3-13, here they come!
Sorry, Matt. I'm just not feeling it.
Jamal Lewis 295, Browns 13 I really wish I had seen the pregame comments of Lewis about how he planned to break the all-time, single-game rushing mark, just so I could have tacked it on my "Why I Hate The Non-Ray Lewis Ravens" bulletin board. Of course, we now have concrete proof that the Browns defense is, yes, much worse than advertised.
Redskins 33, Falcons 31Washington has the Giants next week at home. Only if they win that will there officially be reason to get excited in the nation's capital. Course, any time you come back from 17-0 down on the road, it's almost enough to make Gator fans forget how they blew the Miami game.
Packers 31, Lions 6 Brett Favre's line today: 15-for-28, 132 yards, two TDs, one pick. The sad truth is that it's lines like this that are going to make the Packers successful this year. Well, that and playing the Lions 6-7 times.
The Lions, whose bandwagon I am still constructing, will go 5-11 this year, but it will be a much improved 5-11. Unfortunately though, this game has begun a four-game losing streak going into their bye.
You heard it here ... well, at worst fourth or fifth.
Colts 33, Titans 7 Actual quote from the AP notes of this game: "(Running back Edgerrin) James trimmed his dreadlocks this week after getting yanked down by his hair in Cleveland last week." It's probably for the best, given he was the only person in the state to ever wear dreadlocks not as a joke.
Chiefs 41, Steelers 20 If only there was going to be playoff baseball getting played in Kansas City, my mind could go so idyllic that I would fly to K.C. for a Royals-Chiefs weekend. Of course I would never actually do this, because I'd be arrested when I took the side trip to Kansas so I could pee on a tollbooth.
Panthers 12, Buccaneers 9 (OT) Having three kicks blocked in one game generally means it will not be a fun week of practice in Florida. Though it is nice to see the Panthers are contending again for "ugliest jersey in the league" honors by wearing all tealy-blue.
Seahawks 38, Cardinals 0 About the only good to come out of things like this is that Emmitt Smith won't bother finishing the season.
Broncos 37, Chargers 13 Yeah, that Clinton Portis draft pick is looking pretty good, playing the second half or not. Though really, I haven't even looked at the opposing rosters this week, and I already know one of them will have been starting Jamal Lewis.
Raiders 23, Bengals 20 Using the transitive property I learned in high school, if the Broncos beat the Bengals by 20, and the Raiders beat the Bengals by 3 ...
Vikings 24, Bears 13 Randy Ratio takes a hit as with 27-yard day, Moss now only has 43% of his team's receiving yards for the season.
At some point, I will start trying to be as insightful about football as I've been about the fair. I promise. September 13, 2003 - A Day At The Fair Football Picks:Here. For straight-up picks: Dolphins, Seahawks, Bills, Saints, Browns, Colts, Packers, Redskins, Rams, Chiefs, Bucs, Pats, Broncos, Raiders, Vikings and Giants.
Defending The Film: It's safe to say I now have a large percentage of friends who believe Just Married is among the worst movies ever made. The Bruce said his piece on it previously, and now that we ended an evening out with it, much of the Western Mass. populace feels the same way.
Now don't get me wrong, Just Married is very bad. It is remarkable
