|For Release Upon Receipt - March 16, 2003|
Contact: Hugh Jass, 1-800-USA-LOAN
Replaces With Hatred Of Northern New England State Universities
"All the mascots are screaming because they know they suck."
COOCH'S WORLD -- Jon Couture, webmaster of the slightly popular "Cooch's World" Web site, has announced a sudden end to his "Fuck Canada" policy, saying he will instead channel his hate toward the state universities of Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine.
"To be honest, my heart was never fully behind hating Canada," Couture said from a folding chair bought at the 2001 Canon Greater Hartford Open. "As big of a dick as that Niagara border guard was, as awful as losing money at Casino Windsor was, I always felt like Canada had too much to offer us as people to dismiss it with a passing phrase. These universities, however, they have absolutely zero to offer us."
Couture amended that statement seconds later.
"Well, they do offer us something to be thankful for. That we get to wake up every day and not have to go to them."
The World's new policy comes just one day after Boston University, Couture's alma mater, played three title games against the schools in question. Vermont and New Hampshire beat BU in men's basketball and hockey, respectively, but Maine fell to the Terrier women's basketball team. Couture said despite the defeat, Maine had long ago sealed its place in the triumvirate of hatred.
"It was hard for me while Doug Janik, who I went to school with in Agawam, played for Maine. I felt really torn," Couture said. "But after losing to them in the 2000 and 2002 Hockey East semis, plus the 2002 NCAAs, and having to listen to their fat, overzealous fans mock us out of the arena, I had it."
After cussing and muttering to himself for several seconds, Couture made it clear his grudge was not against the states in question, just the schools and their fans.
"I'd originally planned to just boycott all of northern New England, but I have ties to Nashua (N.H.), and I like maple syrup and lobster," Couture said. "Plus I bought a bunch of stuff for my kitchen from the outlets in Kittery (Maine)."
"The rest of them can rot in hell though."
Specifically, Couture cited the overzealousness of the schools' fans as the reason for his hate.
"Look, I'm all for supporting your team as loud and as fervently as possible," Couture said. "But when you're ugly, have a big mullet or are ugly, and you do it against my team, I'm going to get really pissed. Especially if you win a lot ... that's why I'd left Vermont alone before now, since the only thing their hockey team ever beats is each other's genitalia."
Couture ended his comments with an attack of his detractors.
"I suppose in my complaints against the fans putting too much stock and excitement into support of their team, there's some irony in my getting so pissed off at them about it. I suppose some could call my stance hypocritical," Couture said. "But that's the beauty of stereotyping large entities when you're angry ... you don't have to worry about stuff like that."
"Also, BC sucks."
|Subject: "Taking a Stand is Something to Be Admired"|
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 2003
I am appalled at how anyone could "admire" the tremendous disrespect of turning one's back on both one's flag and one's country. I understand that many people are opposed to the war, but there is a difference between opposing the war while still respecting one's country and outright and blatant disrespect. It pains me that you can call hers a "respectful" statement. There is no reason for "admiration" in such a disrespectful and ignorant act.
Greatest American Hero? If we're seriously talking about Toni Smith, then I'll still take William Katt, thank you very much.
Gerry Callahan is absolutely dumbfounded over the fact that ESPN.com called Toni Smith, the Manhattanville basketball player who made headlines by turning her back on the American flag in a pre-game ceremony, an "American hero." Meanwhile, the Standard Times' Jon Couture writes that Smith's stand is something to be admired.
The great thing about America of course is that Smith does have the freedom to express herself like she did last week, refusing to pledge allegiance to the symbol of our country. The other great thing about America is that we also have the freedom to rip her accordingly for doing so.
If you watch "24" then you already know one of the show's villains, Marie Warner. Warner's character has turned her back on America; either doing what she truly believes is right, or just trying to get daddy's attention. Remind you of someone?
No matter how she feels about going to war with Iraq, in turning her back on the flag, Smith in turn disregarded all it stands for, our freedom and the countless people (real heroes by the way) who died to give it to us. We could argue for hours about Smith's right to express herself, it's just that neither she nor the people making excuses for her are worth my time.
Hero? It's not just laughable, it's downright scary that some people would think that.
| In no way would I classify Toni Smith as a "hero." Never in a million years -- it's a term that gets thrown around too much anyway, and that's in cases where the people being spoken are at least slightly worthy candidates. Her turning her back on the flag reaches much further than just the here and now ... by doing it, she turns her back on every person who has ever died to give her that right. As someone who grew up in an extremely patriotic family, and who has been taught since he was a boy that this nation and its flag are something to be cherished, her stance is about as far from my beliefs as one can get.|
My column was inspired by seeing news clips on NECN of people at a Manhattanville game, presumably to attack Toni for disrespecting the flag, dragging flags along the ground and doing things generally considered to be much stronger breaches of flag etiquette. It was the irony of these people dishonoring the very thing they were their to speak up for that inspired me to write what I did.
Since 9/11 there's been a huge spike in patriotism, but much of it has been similar to the spike in the amount of Patriots fans since they won a Super Bowl. I'm seeing more and more people who choose to display their love for America less because they do, and more because it's now cool to be a patriot. They'll let a flag hang in their window or flap off their car until it's well past faded and tattered, fully unaware that doing it an offense to just what they're trying to honor. I'm happy there are more people willing to stand up and realize what a great country we live in today ... I just wish many of them would educate themselves better and not contradict what they're trying to do.